It's all Relatives!

     The low days seem to be coming more often. Covid 19 is a very likely culprit.  Even the strongest amongst us have felt down at some point or another.  Those of us who have a diagnosis of Clinical Depression are feeling the affects of these strange days 100 times more intensely.  We take on our own problems as well as the world's problems or at least "our" world's problems.  That doesn't mean we solve these issues.  We just take on the extra worry and stress of those around us.

     When things get bad I turn turtle.  But as much as I wish I could hide from my world's problems I can't help but dwell on the problems all around me.  All of us who are parents will always worry about our children. And all of us who are children have often told our parent that they do not have to worry.  The truth is that as parents we want to take on our children's problems. But most of the time we just can't.  And we shouldn't.  Our children, once they reach a certain age, are capable of dealing with their own problems and everything will work out.  My depression does not allow me to accept that.  I know deep down that my son can take care of himself.  He's a great guy.  He's smart and has a good heart.  He's kind and would do anything to help his friends and family.  I don't need to worry about him.  Everything will work out.  I just wish I could get that through to my depressed self.

     What about when the child needs to help the parent.  Our hope is that our Mom and/or Dad will be able to stay healthy and be able to take care of themselves for all their lives.  That does not happen most of the time.  Our bodies and minds get older and we find that we need help.  So what happens when your parent needs your help but your depression paralyzes you?  In the last 10 to 20 years I find it very difficult to cope with the illness of people I love. I hide. I feel powerless and shame.  My Mom is at the point where she needs and wants someone with her 24/7.  I have not helped out.  My older sister and brother have taken on her care.  The first few months they were there full time, splitting up the days and night's and later they added at home care professionals but still need to spend some days and nights with her. They are exhausted.  Hopefully a more permanent solution is coming soon. I can't thank them enough for what they have sacrificed.  I can only hope they can understand and forgive me for not being their for them. I can't see myself helping anyone else when, right now, I can't seem to help myself.

It's been two and a half years since my last blog post.  It may be another two and a half years before the next one. Take care everyone.

Mike     

Waiting for ...

"What are you waiting for?!?"  That voice is in my head most of each day.  The answer is almost always the same.  "I DON'T KNOW!"  The question that really needs to be asked is, "Why are you waiting?"  I think many people who suffer from depression and other mental health issues are waiting for clarity of mind.  For me, when I can think clearly and can see the steps I need to take to get the "job" done, I am unstoppable.  But when my mind is muddled and confused, it feels like I have stepped in quicksand but don't know it.  I slowly sink down, until suddenly, I begin to choke on the sand.

Last fall, when I made the decision to start my own business, knowing that I would have a lot of challenges ahead, I was excited and scared shitless all at the same time.  There is a lot about running a business I did not, and still do not understand.  It’s frightening to feel in over your head when you have so many people encouraging you and you have a family who want you to succeed.  I try to look at my success.  I need to be proud of what I have done so far.  Having 65 podcasts join a new directory in just under three months is amazing.  And I get so much great feedback from people.  But in business you can’t survive on one accomplishment.  Especially one that does not bring in any revenue.  

So, what is stopping me from making the next decision that will move my business forward?  A few weeks ago, some judges at a pitch competition I was in, told me that my idea was much bigger than I could imagine.  That really scared me.  I’m alone here, and the last thing I want is to have Podcast Atlantic grow too large and then collapse because I could not handle the pressures of a business too big for its sole founder.

So what next?  I must push forward.  I need to get help improving the website and proper social media/metrics direction.  Sponsors for the site need to come onboard and I need that first podcast produced by Podcast Atlantic.  There is outside pressure from the organizations that support me.  They expect results faster than I fear I can give.  One thing I do know.  Depressed or not, this can’t wait anymore.

Sleep … why does it hate me?

Recently my Doctor told me that she was not going to renew my prescription for sleeping aids. She told me that the medical profession is concerned about today’s reliance on drugs to help us sleep.  What the hell do I do now?  When I was a young child I would obsess about sleep.  For as long as I can remember my mind has always been hard to quiet.  Many a night I would toss and turn while simultaneously checking the glow of the digital clock on my bedside table.

As I grew I found some tricks that helped me fall asleep at a reasonable time.  By the time I was in my early teens I would turn the radio on and let the music of the seventies lull me to sleep.  This seemed to work for several years but sleeplessness would return to my life with a vengeance.

                                                               

Sometime, in my late forties, sleepless nights returned.  I was still young enough that it didn’t bother me that much.  I would use the inability to sleep to my advantage.  I would get up, turn on the computer and start writing.  But over time, going without sleep robbed me of my ability to think clearly when I wanted to write or converse with family and friends.  

                                                               

When you start a google search with the words “Why can’t”, google finishes it for you with “I sleep?”.  That didn’t surprise me in the least.  Studies show that 40% of Canadians have problems sleeping.  It’s a problem that doesn’t seem to be going away.  Today’s technology is pointed out as one of the likely culprit.  It seems that our phones, tablets and televisions are keeping us up at night.  I guess I can see this.  I try to shut down the electronics an hour before bed.  I get comfortable in my warm bed, turn on some music and read for 30 to 45 minutes. Other things you should try are, keeping a very dark room.  Keep your room cool.  Don’t eat three hours before you want to fall asleep.  Don’t workout in the evening.  Spray lilac on your pillow.  There are dozens and dozens of sleep aid solutions.  It’s enough to keep you awake at night.  

                                                               

For many, this problem is not going away.  What is your experience?  Do you have any tried and true solutions?  Share if you can.  In the meantime, get plenty of rest.

Imposter Syndrome

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
This is the definition of what I am going through at this moment in time.

 

 

What keeps us from believing in ourselves?  I have recently read that celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Tina Fey and Ryan Reynolds have talked about their own shortcomings and difficulties believing that they are as talented as other people tell them they are.  That is mind boggling.  I admire and enjoy the work that these people do.  How can they not know how great they are?!?  How can none of us know how great we are? 

I get complements all the time.  I am told that I am a good artist, writer and person more times than I am told I suck.  But, for some reason, I don’t believe it. That part of my brain that should be happy about receiving these complements shoves those accolades aside and whispers negatives in my ear instead.  Why does this happen?  Over 60% of us experience this “syndrome” at some point in their career.  So that should make anyone afflicted feel better.  We are not alone.  It happens to most of us. 





 

So what do we have to do to get past this ill-conceived belief that we are failures?  Here’s the truth.  You are never going to be anyone but yourself.  You are who you are and the people who know you or the people you meet will likely be honest with you when it comes to your skills and accomplishments.  Most of us subscribe to the old adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”  That means, if someone tells you that you are doing a nice job then you probably are.  Does that mean you have to be good at everything that comes at you?  No.  And it is not a bad thing to ask for help.  I ask for help all the time.  (For those that have helped me in the past or future I want to take this moment to thank you so much.  You are appreciated and are the “bomb”.)

 

 

So take the word from the biggest imposter I know.  “You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You”  S. Smalley  Believe in yourself.  I believe in you.



 





 

The future is here

It's the end of 2017 and time for the inevitable reflection that comes with the closing of the year.  When I look back at the past 364 days I find myself both grateful and surprised.  Grateful for my family.  Lorraine continues to excel at her work and Harrison finished his studies at Fanshawe College, graduating from the Music Industry Arts program. Grateful for my friends.  So many of them celebrated their 50th in 2017.  And those that I have know the longest are very appreciated. Such a wonderful crew and so helpful and supportive.

I was surprised at how this year ended for myself.  Last January I found myself in another dark depression.  There was no satisfaction with what I was doing and that meant the rest of my life was affected.  In February, a good friend had a health crisis and I was diagnosed with shingles.  The beginning of March I came to the conclusion that I needed to see something positive happen in my life.  Something that I could control and know I could make happen.  So I joined Weight Watchers.  I decided to join the online community rather than go to meetings and it seemed to have some positive effect.  By the end of March I had lost almost 20 pounds.  People notice and that made me feel great.  So I kept it up.  I am happy to say that I am just short of 50 pounds lost (would have made it to 50 if it wasn't for the last two weeks.) and I feel great.

As the pounds came off I realized that my success meant that I could try to change something else about my life.  Over the year I had begun listening to more and more podcasts.  I started to formulate a plan.  I wanted to create a site where listeners could go and find Atlantic Canadian podcasts. I would produce podcasts as well.  So, August 31 I left the job I was in and applied to get into a business program through Employment Nova Scotia.  I was excepted in November and have begun a daunting journey of business creation.  That was a big surprise.  I never thought of owning a business but here I am.

It's wonderful to start a new year with so much to look forward to.  I don't know what the next 12 months and 1 day will bring but it excites me when I think about it.  I hope that if you find yourself in a fit of depression this New Years eve I hope that you remember my story and give yourself a chance to make that much needed change in your life.

Happy New Year from myself and my family.  See you next year.

Coming Soon - Podcast Atlantic

      I am scared ... and excited ... and scared.  After, what seems like a very long time I am returning to a world that is very familiar, new and challenging?  Over these last few months I have been working towards a new path for my life.  Baring any issues with Trademark or Copyright I would like to officially say that I am starting a new production business called Podcast Atlantic.

     Podcast Atlantic will be more than just a production company.  It will be a network.  My hope is to create a home for currently produced podcasts that are coming out of the Atlantic region.  Many podcasts do not get the marketing or promotion they deserve so that is where I will come in.

     Also, I will produce podcasts as well.  I will start with two and hopefully, if there is success, the number of in-house projects will grow.  Down the road, I will also offer technical assistance for those who want to produce their own podcasts but do not want to get into the production and post-production part of the experience. 

     I have never run a business.  I worked twenty-seven plus years for the community channel.  It was non-profit so making money was not my concern.  That has changed with the creating of Podcast Atlantic.  I have just started the process.  I was recently accepted to the Centre for Entrepreneurship Education and Development (CEED) and over the next forty weeks I will learn how to run a successful business.  I am so grateful. 

     I am also nervous.  There is a great deal about this process that I know nothing about.  I will be coming to some of you for advice and help.  I hope that is not too presumptuous of me.  I'm too damn old to do this will out some help. Hopefully you will indulge me. 

     To wrap things up, and to leave the most important to last, I want to thank my wife Lorraine for her support during these last few months and years.  This would not be happening without her being on my side.  So, keep an eye out for announcements about the drop dates of the network and individual podcasts.  Be ready to share everything with all your followers and I hope that you join me on this new adventure.

A Walk in the Rain

    
Today I want to talk to you about the joy of going for a walk when you are combating depression.  Goodness knows that any of us who are experiencing the "darkness" just want to find a deep hole and jump in it.  Getting lost in the dreariness is a favorite pastime for depressed persons.  How many times have we been told by a family member or friend that we should get up and move?  My first instinct would be to dive deeper into that dank hole and ask to be left alone.  But pushing people away is not the answer.  We all know that hiding in the corner will do us no good.  No depressed person has ever been "cured" by isolating themselves and filling up on self pity.  So I recommend that you do something.  Just something small… go for a 10 minute walk.

     About two years ago I experienced the lowest point I have ever been in.  I was working at a job I hated and could see no way out.  I ended up taking a few months off.  My doctor guided me during this time and she demanded that I do one thing.  Walk!  So I did.  For those few months I got out and walked 3 times a day.  At first it was only 10 minutes at a time and then, before I knew it, I found myself walking for an hour or more each day.  It did me a world of good.  I would smile as I greeted other walkers and I got some of my creativity back. 

      I did back slide some when I had to go back to that job but what I had discovered was something I did not want to lose.  So I made a plan.  I decided that I was going to quit the job and find my way into something that I would enjoy doing.  This part of the process had some hit and misses but I stayed focused on what I wanted.  I put myself first because doing so would benefit not just me but my family and my friends.  I am about to make a huge change in my career.  Something I thought I would never do.  I am scared and excited.  I am not sure what will happen but I do know that I have my walks if I need a break or time to think.

     Today I knew it was going to rain but I got out there anyway.  The rain started to really come down about 1/3 of the way through my walk but I found that I was not miserable.  I enjoyed the sound of it and they way it played off the trees on the wooded path.  So, take it from someone whose go to place was that deep dark hole.  Get up and on to your feet and go out.  It really does help.