I lay in
bed awake…again. My wife’s projection
clock is shining brightly onto the ceiling above my head. 1:03am.
A little over an hour into another new year and I lay there waiting for
my sleeping pills to kick in. Actually I
am praying that they would kick in. I had already prayed
that the new year would bring honest, positive change to my family’s life. More than anything I need change to happen in
my own, very complicated, very sad life.
Poor me.
For some time this time
of year is hard for me. For the
last few years, the holidays have been tough.
Of course I am not alone in this.
I have plenty of company. Those
of us that find this time difficult look at those who cheerfully celebrate with
envy. Who wouldn’t. They make their
plans for family and friend celebrations. It an exciting time. I remember when I loved Christmas. At least I think I can remember.
Over the
last week I have had, what I can best describe as, two panic attacks. Both times
the "attacks" came on the “eve’s”.
The Christmas Eve’s attack was the worse of the two. Cold sweats, hot flashes, dizzy, confusion,
hands shaking uncontrollably and heart racing.
Basically me standing in church wondering if I was going to pass out. New Year's Eve was the same but to a lesser degree. And what brought these two events into my
life? My best guess is an overwhelming
feeling of stagnancy. A feeling of being
trapped in a situation that I have no control over. Simply put ... I hate my job.
At some
point in everyone’s working life they feel trapped or burned out. The work is no longer fulfilling, if it ever
was. There is no challenge, if there
ever was. And management doesn’t understand or really care about what you are
going through. With my current situation,
I work for a company were business comes first.
I understand that. but at the same time I fight against the grain. Everyday I try to give the company what it is asking for but I also believe
the client, the customer's needs come first.
The customer is always right.
Consequently the pressures to perform
the way my team manager and the company wants me to perform are at total odds
with how I feel the client wants me to perform 99 percent of the time. That results in
a feeling of despair for 70 - 90 percent of my work day. It has to stop.
And when it
stops what then. I can't just stop
working. My family is not ready to see
me move into the retirement mode. I have
to continue to contribute and I want to contribute. The next phase of my working life has to be
out there. I have looked, unsuccessfully,
for a job in my field of Television.
There is nothing. (Thanks NS Government.) I know that
I can't work in a call center. I am not
going to have my day micromanaged to the point where you have to take scheduled
bathroom breaks. I would like to find an
employment councilor who does more than just tell you to take this test. I don't need a list of careers that I might
be qualified for. I've done that and it
was a useless exercise for someone my age.
One of the jobs was surgeon. Unless
it was playing a surgeon on tv this was not going to happen. I don't know if any such person exists. So far I have had no luck finding them.
If you are
reading this and you have any ideas that don't involve 8 years of med school or
going back to a call center, please reach out. I am creative, organized and have a passion for helping people.
I have something to contribute and I am ready.
