Hey! That's not fair!

     I love volleyball.  Since the first time I stepped on a court in grade six to right up to last night when I went to my weekly "pick up" game.  And to tell you the truth, last night was not that fun.  The blame for that is likely deep down in my DNA.   I hate it when things are not fair.  I mean I really, really hate it.
     For many, many years I played volleyball as a member of Coed Volleyball Nova Scotia.  I cherished  those years.  I met my wife playing in that league as well as many life long friends.  We had a blast.  It was always a fun time, even when the competition got heated.  I liked the competition.  I like to win as much as the next guy but more than that I love a great game.  One where everyone has a chance to win and you came away, win or lose, feeling like you gave it your best.  More than likely you played against some of your friends which was a fantastic bonus.
     Of course all good things must come to an end.  As the years pasted, most of us, as we aged, got injured or tired or had family obligations to take care of.  The last year that I played in the monthly tournaments was a tough one for me.  And I apologize to my then team mates as I say this, but my team sucked.  We did not gel as a team and more often than not, we beat ourselves.  But worse than that, I felt the tournaments were not being run fairly for the division I played in.  Let me explain...
     Ten teams registered to play each month.  Usually the same ten teams but sometimes new teams would show up.  That was cool.  Someone new to play against.  The monthly tournament was run by two court reps from the CVNS Executive.  I had been a member of that executive in the past for over 15 years.  I knew how to run a tournament but I had long since moved on and felt that it was time to let others do the work.  The understanding was that each court rep, who also played on a team, would each take a side of the gym.  Each side would have five teams who would play each other once and the top three teams would move on to the play offs.  Here was my issue.  The team I played on was one of the weakest teams.  Our captain, a lovely woman, was also one of the court reps.  The other court rep always did the line up.  He would decide who would play who.  That year, after about three months I noticed a pattern.  The court rep would set it up so that my team was always on his side of the gym.  We were a guaranteed win for him.  He wanted to make sure his team made the playoffs.  This went on for the full year.  Not once that year was there a court rep on both sides of the gym.  The last tournament of the year I had decided I had enough and complained to him.  He basically looked at me like ..."so what!"  Sadly I got no support and ended up looking like I was a big baby.  I left the gym that day and never returned to tournament volleyball.
     It drives me when people use a position of power to advance their cause at the expense of others.  I see it everyday as I am sure you do.  Even when it pertains to something a silly as a pick up volleyball game.  I should just enjoy it.  I got exercise.  I got out of the house.  What am I complaining about.  Still, I can't help myself ... it just is not fair.

The Magic Pill

     A few posts back I spoke of my family doctor suggesting my depression might be linked to ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).  We agreed to see a specialist who would confirm or deign the diagnosis.   The problem was that I would not be able to get in to see him until early summer.  I had asked that I be put on the waiting list and sure enough a spot opened up 10 days ago.
     The day of the appointment I nervously drove to the Doctor's office.  I was 15 minutes early and the doctor saw me right away.  He started asking about my family history and current work situation.  My life with my wife and son and friendships.  As we progressed he took lots of notes.  A few times I asked him to repeat what he said because my mind had begun to wander, my head spinning from information and possibilities.   He smiled and obliged.  I was certain he was going to tell me that I was just the same as everyone else and what I experienced everyday was just the way people lead their lives.  Sure I was depressed but there would be nothing he could do that my family doctor was not already doing.  But he didn't.  I was indeed ADHD.  I said "you mean ADD."  I am not hyper in the traditional sense.  But he told me there are degrees of hyperactivity and many people who are ADHD do not present in the classic way.
     Many people who get this diagnosis are relieved to hear that there is a logical explanation for what they have been going through.  I don't get me wrong.  I was happy to get confirmation but my anxiety took over.  The doctor prescribed a pill.  Biphentin is a form of Ritalin.  It is a stimulant and he told me that "it would change my life."  Change my life.  I have been waiting for that to happen for a very, very long time.  Now the magic pill is being offered to me.  But what if it does not work?  What if no pill will work?
     Before I take this magic pill I have to get back in to see my family doctor.  Because I am on other meds there has to be a consult.  Now there is frustration because now it is almost impossible to see my GP.  I will get in and I know that we will made medication adjustments and I will try the "pill".  The next time I post on this blog I am hoping that I will have been on the medication for a least a week.  I'll let you know how I am doing.
     Fingers crossed.

Heart Break

     Valentine's day is a tough day for many.  For those without someone special in their lives it is a cruel reminder that they are alone in matters of the heart.  Many of these people are going to be down because of that situation.  Then there are those of us who are depressed and have loved ones in our lives.  A couple, or family, in the throes of heavy depression this time of year can be exhausting. 
     If you have someone close to you who is depressed and you are not, then it is very hard to understand what they are going through.  One moment they seem fine and the next they withdraw and become distant.  And the length of time that distance can happen varies.  Once it goes beyond a few days the loved one starts to not only worry but also the isolation is dreadful.
     Why is this happening?  I wish I could put my finger on the exact reasons but I do know that the weight of true depression can cause the depressed person to head into a downward spiral that he/she believes they will not come out of.  They not only lose confidence in themselves but they lose confidence in the ability of anyone, including their closest loved ones, helping them.  The safety of television. a book, food or sleep seems like a better alternative than talking it out.  Especially when you don't know what is really bothering you, why you are acting this way and what you can do about it. 
     Well, here is what you do about it.  Get in to see your doctor and tell them what is going on.  Don't let them talk you out of anything short of a new direction of treatment or some other positive move forward.  Whatever you were doing is not working and waiting months and years for a change will not do.  You may even want to consider a naturopathic remedy.  Seek out those professionals and see what they can offer.  What ever you do ... DO NOT GIVE UP!  Not on yourself or your loved ones.

The ER Visit

      It was a week ago.  I sat down at my desk that morning with a stuffy nose but other wise felt fine.  It is not usual for my stuffy nose to be accompanied by some very loud and powerful sneezes.  Some of you may have been around to hear me sneeze while at the same time saying "excuse me".  It saves time, what can I say.  A half hour later the nose was clear and my morning was progressing.  An hour later my chest started to bother me.  It was very tight and made it difficult to breath.  Now, at my age and because I am not in the best shape, my mind will cross to "Is this a heart attack?"  I did not feel that it was but as the day went on, the pain worsened and my breathing did not improve.  I did take my blood pressure and the readings where what they usually are for me.
      After work I called my sister, who has a medical background.  She asked a couple of questions and then suggested that I put heat on my back and that I  call 811 and speak to a nurse.  I did not want to do that, mostly because the pain was now primarily on my right side and seemed to be worse in my back.  I debated and then relented.  I called 811 just to ease my mind.  The nurse asked me a series of questions, most of which I replied "No", and then strongly suggested I go to the hospital emergency.  So at this point my anxiety has had it's interest peaked.  Could this be a heart issue?  My wife had been out but arrived home by the time I was ready to go.
     Anyone who has ever visited an ER knows that you are likely in for a long night and this visit would be no exception.  I spoke to the nurse out front who took my history then to the lady who took my health card information then we sat down in the waiting room.  Within minutes I was called in.  Now my anxiety jumped up a notch.  Why was I getting in so fast.  They must be concerned.  Not really.  They just made us sit in another waiting room.  Luckily it was right in front of a nice big plasma TV and there was a comedy on to distract me.  That was good.  It ended three minutes later and a hospital show came on and the story line was about heart surgery.  That was bad.
     For the next three and a half hours we waited.  During that time the pain was actually getting less.  At times I relaxed and knew that whatever was going on it was not my heart.  At other times I tensed up and thought, "what have I done?"  I am not taking my health seriously.  So like many people in my situation, I made some decisions.  I had been under a great deal of stress with my own, self imposed deadlines regarding projects I was working on to get my TV career back on line and working with a local animal shelter and even this blog.  I decided that I would take a break from that and put more effort into my health.  I had begun a new diet and now I needed to work on the exercise.  I would give myself permission to miss deadlines and to fail so that I could make a move towards a better, healthier, me.
     About Two am I got to see the medical staff.  I had blood tests, EKG and x-rays.  When it was all said and done my doctor told me that I had sneezed so hard I had strained my chest wall.  I was not surprised because a few year earlier I did the same thing and threw my lower back out.  I stood beside the doctor as he was about to release me and we looked at my x-ray.  Feeling better I joked. "Look, I can see a face". I pointed at the lower right of the x-ray.  The doctor smirked at me and said "That's poop."
     We'll that about summed up my night.  POOP!

Muddled Mind

     A new year brings with it a desire to make changes in our lives.  Lose weight, be a better person, get that dream job, etc.  I think the stats say that only about 7% of people keep their resolutions due to a lack of will or the simple fact that they did not even want to try to make a change. 
     For myself, my life has been about wanting to make changes.  To be that better person or find that job that is meant to be.  My issue has always been distractions and focus.  For as long as I can remember I have been subject to procrastination and the very annoying trait, being overwhelmed by too many choices.  When you have too many things to choose from you often do not pick any of them because it is just that much easier.
    I am the king of lists.  I list lots of things.  Movies to watch, books to read, chores to get my wife to do.  (And my chores as well.)  List are a good tool only if you follow and keep working at them.  If not, then you just end up with a lot of lists.  Then you need a list of your lists that need attention.  Does this sound confusing?  We now you know how I feel about 80% of my day.  I suffer from what I like to call a "muddled mind".  It is the feeling that because there so much coming at me, my brain defends itself by putting up a shield.  That shield feels much like a heavy blanket.  It is warm and comfortable but it also restricts my movements.  It does not allow me to flow from one activity to another.  Instead I just lay there enjoying the warmth and  protection of the "shield".  Over the next few weeks and months I will be addressing this "affliction". 
      As always, never give up on yourself or if you know someone like me please do not give up on them.  Be supportive and understanding and when they ask for help, give it. Thanks and here's to 2014 being the year be all take down our "shields".

Blue Christmas

     Over the past few weeks I have encountered a few people who no longer celebrate the winter holiday known as Christmas.  Some, because of a loss of faith and others because of the sadness it brings because of loneliness due to the loss of a loved one.  Then there are people like myself who carry the burden of depression.
      The holiday season can be overwhelming for many.  For one thing, it starts too early.  I saw my first Christmas themed TV commercial a week before Halloween this year.  Yikes!  Really ... do we need to have it shoved down our throats that early.  Of course these ads are really about the shopping.  I get that.  As my wife will tell you I like to give gifts.  I especially like to give things that mean something.  Still, the assault on our senses during this time of year can be overwhelming to many of us.  It is very easy to lose ourselves and slip into the dark place.
     A year ago, just before I created this blog, I was driving home from work.  It was a few weeks before Christmas and I was in no mood for it at all.  Those that get Christmas cards from my family are very familiar with my annual Holiday Letter.  I usually have that written and the cards sent out by the beginning of December.  Not last year.  Not until the memory of my Dad and the joy he felt and gave at Christmas rushed into my head on that drive home.  I was so overwhelmed that I pulled over.  The flood of emotion jolted me out of my funk.  Once I home, I created one of the most satisfying Holiday letters I had ever written. 
      I have found that the key to overcoming a bout of depression, or melancholy is good memories.  Flash forward to today and I feel much different.  While I may experience a momentary dark period I am excited about the holiday.  Not the rushing around or the shopping, but the times with family and friends.  I know that there are those of you out there that want to just go to bed and avoid this whole season.  I am asking you to resist that.  If you have lost someone in the past or something has happened to cause this wonderful time of year to be less appealing, I say remember the good memories with family and friends.  Go visiting and enjoy their company.  We all want to be happy and it is within reach.  Ask for help if you need to.  Help will be given.  Hang in there.
     Know that I am thinking about you and wish you all the best.
     

Dog Tired

     Sometimes the title of this Blog is very appropriate.  There are days that you just wait for the next crappy thing to happen.  When it does you just want to go back to bed and throw the covers over your head.  Why does it seem that these things just pile on?  From the little things like picking the wrong line at the grocery store for check out to the bigger things like a leak in the basement that just won't go away and that will cost who knows how much to fix!
     That's the thing about depression.  It does a very good job of showcasing the bad in your life and nothing to let the good shine in.  It makes you forgetful and ungrateful.  It tells you that only the bad can happen and that you deserve it!  But if you close your eyes for a moment, take a breath and let your mind quiet,  you can begin to see the good.  The spouse who stands next to you while the bad things happen, the kids who hug and hold on tight to tell you how much love there is in the world and the friends who are there for you come rain or shine.
     Now please don't get me wrong.  Many of the "bad" in my life is minor and cosmetic.  It can be and will be over come.  It could be worse.  I know it can.  There are people out there that have had that "awful" thing appear in their lives recently.  Things that completely change their lives and of those closest to them.  But there is good news ... just look around at your family and friends.  They hold the key.  Close your eyes and take that big breath.  It's a bumpy road but we are all working on smoothing out the ride.
     Bless you all and thank you.