The Pain of Being a Wall Flower

For as long as I can remember I have been that quiet guy in the crowd.  I think most people who know me would not think of me that way.  What I've mastered all these years is the art of listening.  Now that's a good trait and I do enjoy listening but what I really want to do is have real conversations about real things.  I'm not sure where my outer quiet guy comes from?  Even with the closest of friends, more often than not, I find myself nodding along while they tell me about their day, pour out their troubles or smoothly speak of anything from Sports, Social Media, Politics or the latest Book that is a must read.

My wife and son are the exception to the rule.  I can speak with them about anything.  It is not a problem to spout on about what ever the topic.  It's because I know they will forgive me if I make an error.  Whatever I say, if I am wrong or even if I don't know what the heck I am talking about, they are fine with it.  No judging.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that most, if not all of my friends do not judge me in any way.  They're good peeps.  What happens is that I just start to retreat into my mind. Inside my head I am scrambling to figure out how to say something intelligent, witty or profound.  By the time I come up with something I am usually brushing my teeth before bed.

I have trouble remembering anything from my 20's and 30's now.  Was I always like this?  Have I always been standing on the sidelines?  If anyone out there has any insights I would be grateful if you would reach out and tell me ... what was I like around you?  In some cases I suspect people's opinion of me was that I was arrogant and stuck up.  My facial features screwed up while I was desperate to contribute to a conversation.  I have been in many situations where I just gave up and slowly backed away from the situation, retreating to a room where the television was on and conversation was kept to a minimum.

The good news is that change is possible.  Over the last few weeks, with the help and support of family and friends new and old, I have been pushing myself to get out there.  If I don't understand something I will admit it and move on.  I'll do my best to stay in the moment and to converse with the best of you.  So ... what do ya say?  Let's chat!