Foot In Mouth Disease

Some days you just can't help yourself.  You're feeling pretty good about yourself and you decide to crow.  I don't crow very often.  In the past, most days I didn't think much of myself.  I have always felt very uncomfortable with bragging.  We all know people who are more than willing to tell you that they are best thing since sliced bread. 

My last post I revealed that my doctor thought I might be A.D.D. and that I was likely highly intelligent.  Now, right after I posted that installment of this blog my wife read it and she looked at me with a very quizzical look.  She had not heard the doctor quite the same way I did.  What she heard was "Do you think your husband may be highly intelligent?"  Meaning ... if he is A.D.D. and he gets the proper meds his true potential could be realized.  Not ... Man this guy is smart.  I thought about it and begrudgingly had to admit that what I heard and what the doctor said maybe two different things.  I won't know until they decide to try meds and certainly there is a more than fifty-fifty chance that it won't make a bit of difference.

Bragging never pays.  Sooner or later you'll eat shoe leather.

I'm Sorry Doctor. I wasn't paying attention.

September has many meanings for many people.  For a lot of us it is the end of summer and the start of a new school year.  For others it a time to get ready for the colder weather.  For me it's time to see the my doctor for my annual check up.  This involves going over my current medication and especially important it is time for my Prostrate exam.  At forty I began having yearly blood tests to check for Prostrate Cancer and when I reached fifty my pants hit the floor and I began coughing.  I few minutes of discomfort is worth the peace of mind for another year.  To all my guy friends who are in their forties and fifties, I hope you are following suit.  PLEASE! 

So this past Monday I had my yearly appointment.  I asked my wife to go with me because I wanted to discuss my depression and anxiety.  While I have made strides in some areas I am frustrated about other areas and I wanted my partner along to back me up and to fill in any blanks in the conversation.  We sat across from our Doctor and she looked up from her computer and asked me if I had good grades in school.  I was puzzled but knew enough to answer the question so we wouldn't get off track.

I was an average student in school.  I was able to get the grades I needed in subjects I had little interest in and excelled in the subjects I enjoyed and displayed lots of interest.  In grade twelve I failed math and while I had enough credits to graduate high school, I would have to go to summer school to repeat math.  Those six weeks were the best time I have ever spent in a class room.  The teacher was fun and able to convey the lessons is such a way that everything just clicked.  I not only did well, I got a perfect mark on every test and the final exam which I finished in twenty minutes.  Dalhousie University offered me a scholarship if I agreed to continue with math as a subject.  (I did not.)

The doctor smiled at us and told me that she suspected that I was A.D.D.  Attention Deficit Disorder!  I was surprised and skeptical at the same time.  Could this be true?  It seems that many persons who are afflicted with ADD get depressed, especially if they go undiagnosed.  Imagine, thinking that you are stupid because you can't focus properly.  That would bring most to their knees. 

I am going to be exploring this going forward.  My favorite part of the doctor's visit was when she turned to my wife and asked her "I wonder if you agree with me that your husband has above average intelligence?"  She looked at me kind of nodded.  All I could think was "Oh my God.  How the hell am I going to live up to that?"

It's probably not true anyway.  But maybe it is???

Train of Thought

I was recently at a local pub attending a good friend's birthday celebration.  There was a three man band playing some classic songs and more recent hits.  You know those kind of songs that Pub bands play that get your toes tapping and the ladies clapping.  After about four or five songs they asked for requests and I shouted out, "Do you know any Train?"  To which the lead singer looked at me and said, "We don't sing 'Chick' songs."  Humm.  I didn't know what to make of that.  I have been a fan of Train since their Drops of Jupiter album came out a few years.  I have always been a fan of story tellers.  Another of my favorites is Amanda Marshall but I wasn't about to yell that out.  They band would have bought me a martini or some other fru fru drink.
 
One of Train's more recent hits is called Bruises. The chorus goes like this: 

These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got bruises
We all got bruises

Every time this song comes on the radio or my play list it gets my attention. It speaks to me.  Some songs do that for all of us.  When one comes on that means something, you pay attention.  It invokes a memory, makes you smile or in the case of Bruises, it gives me strength.  It tells me that I am not alone, that everyone has something in their life that they are struggling with.  The song also tells us all that we don't have to suffer alone. 

 

So find a friend and find out what bruises they are carrying and let them know about yours.  It makes for better conversation.
 

 

Long Days Journey out of Night

The journey of ten thousand steps takes a lot longer than some of us would like it to.  I have been writing this blog for seven months but my efforts to get better have taken a great deal longer. 

For every good day there are three or four bad ones.  For every accomplishment there are a dozen set backs.  The depression seems to be winning on some days but on others I feel it waning.  I look everywhere for ideas to help me defeat the beast that consumes. 

There are so many areas that, as a depressed person, I should and do work on every day.  Some days I just think about what I should do, other days I actually do something to step a little closer to the daylight.  I have been reading Gabrielle Bernstein's Spirit Junkie http://gabbyb.tv/ .  In it she talks about how, as we grow from infancy to adulthood, Fear takes over our lives.  It forces the Love from us and our Ego tells us that we are not good enough.  Gabrielle tells us that for years she lived in a state of Fear and after enough was enough she began to let Love return to her life.  In the book, when she refers to Love she is not speaking of the type of love you have for a family member, spouse or child.  She is speaking of a Love that lets you accept yourself for who you are and allows you to experience all of life's joys.

I am only one chapter in and I feel connected with what this woman says.  I came across the book by accident.  On my birthday I was given two gift certificated to a book store.  I felt the cards burning a hole in my pocket so the next day I headed to the Store.  I checked out my favorite authors and then began wondering the store.  In the middle aisle I found Gabrielle's book displayed amongst other self help type books.  The picture on the cover shows the author, hands in pockets, smiling confidently.  I picked it up and placed in with a pile of other books I had been considering.  Now I had lot of choices.  Spirit Junkie was not a sale book so it would take a big chunk out of my gift cards.  If I put it back I could by two or three in it's place from the bargain bin.  The choice was very easy.  A quote on the book said "A beautiful book with a profound message: Choose Love".  That is what I wanted to do so back went three of the bargain books.

My point is that there are always going to be opportunities to heal.  We only need to read the signs that keep hitting us on the head.

(For those of you who thought I veered from my path with my last Blog Entry, no worries.  Coming soon -- Rants & Raves.  My second Blog that will allow me to spout off at the mouth about just about anything.)

Television: The Good, the Bad and the Awful

Recently, Entertainment Weekly published a 100 best of all time issues.  Anytime a publication does this there is going to be some heated discussion amongst "so called" experts.  I include myself in this category.  The show that placed first among this group of "experts" was The Wire.  Now I was not a fan of this show simply because it was too dark and I don't have time to watch every show out there.  For that reason and for that reason alone I will not dispute this choice.  (I think they are so wrong.)  I was please to see that one of my own top five TV shows of all time was in their top Ten.  The Mary Tyler Moore show made it in at number four.

Now here is what is pissing me off.  I looked at that list three time and I did not find arguably the best TV comedy ever written.  Where was the Dick Van Dyke Show!!  The Brady Bunch was number 100 for crying out loud!  Now I admit that I was a fan of the Brady's when I was about to enter my teens but I have come to realise that it was likely because I wanted to see Marcia Brady prance around in her macro mini and tight sweaters, not because there was anything skillful about the writing or stories.  At best it makes my top 30 guilty pleasures.

For me a top 100 list should be chocked full of shows that bring back the best memories and would be able to stand up years after they have left the airwaves.  The Dick Van Dyke Show not only stands up but it was completely ahead of its time.  Sure it was silly at times. It was a comedy after all.  It also broke ground for women actresses and set the standard for work place comedies.  How this could not even be considered in the top 10 let alone top 100 is beyond me.   The EW staff says that "The Dick Van Dyke Show is a classic, but it’s just not a classic that resonates as much with the EW staff ."  Well, EW staff... that answer is just not good enough.  Not for me or countless others. 

For the record, here is my top Five list:
1 - The Dick Van Dyke Show
2 - Friends
3 - The Mary Tyler Moore Show
4 - The Big Bang Theory
5 - Modern Family

Yeah, I know, they are all comedies.  What did you expect ... I'm depressed.  I need a laugh.  Most of us do.

Black Friday

It seemed like a nice day.  The morning held lots of promise.  It was Friday and the first day summer.  It was bright, sunny and warm.  The drive to work seemed to fly by and I even got to work early enough to get a bit of a head start on the day.  Later that day my wife and I would be leaving for a wedding out of town.  There had been a lot of stress at work the past week or so due to the introduction of a new system that was leaving much to be desired. 

Let’s face it.  I make no secret that I am not happy in my current career position.  I do, however, try to do a good job and I get very frustrated when the line of communication between management and worker are not kept open and clear.  So many issues in work places could be resolved just by letting staff know what is happening.  If there are problems, when will they be fixed?  If the way you do your job is affected then here is what the company is going to do to make it work.  When those simple things don’t happen I begin to boil. 

I guess that may have had something to do with the beginning of my Black Friday along with the fact that I had just marked three years since the lay off and two year at my latest job.  I should be proud of the two years.  I have struggled and have made head way but I know that I don’t belong there.  No, I do not think that I am too good to work there.  Over all it is a good company and I work with great people.  I just don’t belong there.  So as that sunk in, my mood got darker and my productively got worse.  So at 3pm I left, hoping that a few hours at home would calm my nerves. 

Now, one of the worse things that you can do when you are in a black place is to go be by yourself for any long period of time.  Anyone who gets in these moods knows what I am talking of.  Sure, take 15 minutes or a half hour but after that do something positive for yourself.  Visit a friend.  Complete a chore.  Don’t do what I did.  I fell asleep.  By the time I woke I was anxious and felt sick.  But it was time to go to the wedding.  All I could think about was “Who wants to be around my dark cloud?”  But I did not want to disappoint my wife so I splashed some water on my face and off we went.

It was the best thing I could have done.  I was forced to be around people.  Happy, joyous people who were celebrating the love of two crazy, fun loving people.   Now, I did not go from black to bright in a snap of a finger but slowly, through the touching ceremony and then the gleeful  reception, I felt my mood lighten.  By 11 o’clock I was mentally drained.  I needed rest.  So I went back to the trailer we had stored on site and went to bed.  I read and listened to music for 20 minutes until my eye lids were drooping just right and by Saturday morning the Blackness was gone.

So that’s the lesson.  When the mood hits, take a moment to acknowledge it and then get up and do something positive.  It will make you feel better.  I promise.

The Gift of Parenthood

 

When you are a diagnosed depressive you have your good days and your bad ones. Sometimes the good days are great days or even fantastic days.

Today is Father's Day. It is always a special day for me and has rarely been anything but wonderful. For that past 18 years I have had the privilege to be a father to a spectacular boy. Yes, he has caused some grief in the past but whose kid hasn't. If, after 18 years, you can look back and say that 99% of the time you both got it right I think that is more than can expected.

For me, being a father and a parent was one of the hardest, scariest and most wonderful experiences of my life. I know that I am not finished. I plan on being around for many, many years and that I will never stop being a father.

Today, after my son woke up, he presented me with a gift and a homemade card. Here is what the card said:

Dear Dad,

Things have been amazing over the past 18 and a half years no matter what bad things have happened. I am so lucky to have a Dad like you who is so loving, strong, and confident in everything you do! I really hope that today is an awesome day for you and that things just get easier.

Love Harrison.

Was today a good day. Not even close. Today was an unimaginably great day!

Happy Father's Day to all.