Driving in Cars with Boyd

Each weekday morning I have a conversation with myself as I take the half hour or so to drive to work.  It seems that this time is when my mind is especially clearest.  By then I will have shaken the cobwebs from my brain and the ideas finally begin to flow.   It takes breakfast and a hot shower to get my spirit moving these days.

There is something about being relatively awake and the promise of a new day ahead of you.  For me this was a harder space to get into six or seven months ago.  At that time I would often find myself in a very dark place.  It was all I could do to force myself to get dressed in the morning let alone get in the car and drive to work.   There were times when the anxiety and depression where so strong that I had to pull to the side of the road to gather strength.

These days I find that I have a more positive experience driving to work.  My mind will race from a painting I am currently working on to planning a workout after work to a story idea I want to pitch to my producer friend.  I promise myself that I will have a better day, eat right and stay “happy”.  I also wander into that fantasy area where I imagine myself working in the field of my choosing under my own terms.  I am able to do things with family and friends and tackle new hobbies like painting and photography.  It all makes for a decently, pleasant drive.

Then I get to the office.  By 11:00 am my stress level has risen to a point where I sometimes feel those 9am promises slipping away.  I have little “perk me up cards” on my desk that I flip through to bring me out of these funks.  Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.  The drive home is usually different.  Last fall and early winter the drive home was much darker than the drive to work.  It usually resulted in me sitting in the drive way shaking.  I just wanted to get into my pajamas and plop down in front of the TV or go to bed.  Not a good idea.  

These days, almost every weekday night, I have an activity or task to complete.  It keeps me busy and motivated and usually helps me go to bed with a better feeling of myself.  Each day I drive myself to and from work but what I am really doing is driving forward.