The Fine Art of Backsliding

Many persons afflicted with depression are depressed for many reasons.  The list can be long and very specific to each person.  There are at least a half a dozen key triggers to my depression and one near the top of the list is being over weight.  For nearly my whole life I have been fighting this war. 

As a child I was not considered overweight but certainly pudgy.  As a teenager I had a brief flirtation with hunk-hood.  Somewhere out there is a great picture of me straddling my bike, shirt open, bare chested with a two inch cross hanging around my neck.  I think I remember seeing abs.  That is the only picture of me where I felt comfortable having a picture taken of me with my shirt off.

So, beginning in my early 20's I began the game of "lose weight -- gain weight".  I have always lost this challenge, ending up weighing more than I did when I started the weight loss journey "du jour".  I have tried many programs.  I sweated to the oldies with Mr. Simmons, I Atkins-ed my brains out, I tried to make it Simply for Life and now, for the four or fifth time in my life I am counting points as a member of Weight Watchers.  Now, I can attest that all of these programs work.  If you are committed and motivated you can lose weight but you need to make it a part of your life, for the rest of your life.  There's a problem with that.  Most of your friends and family do not want or have to follow any of these programs.  So there you are watching them eat your favorite foods while you sit there with veggie omelet because you used all your points for the day already.

Backsliding comes easy to depressed persons.  All it takes is some small thing to go wrong with your day.  That co-worker who says the wrong thing, your spouse forgets something that is important to you or maybe you still haven`t heard back about that great job you applied for.  So on the way home you stop and pick up a jumbo slice of pizza or the extra large value meal from your favorite burger joint.  I always figure if I am going to do it I might as well go big so I super size everything.  After all what is an extra patty of meat and a dozen or so more fries going to do? 

The good news is that a backslide is just that.  A backwards motion that is correctable.  All you have to do is stop, pick yourself up and start moving forward again.  If you can be honest with yourself you can look yourself in the mirror and say "We're not in a rush here.  We don't have to be bathing suit ready in three months."  This journey is a long one and it takes patience.  So if you need to go to the drive through on the way home go ahead.  Maybe you need it today but you don't need it everyday.  Get up from the table and start moving forward again.  And if you think you can't do it, look for help.  It's out there and it's closer than you think.

The Pain of Being a Wall Flower

For as long as I can remember I have been that quiet guy in the crowd.  I think most people who know me would not think of me that way.  What I've mastered all these years is the art of listening.  Now that's a good trait and I do enjoy listening but what I really want to do is have real conversations about real things.  I'm not sure where my outer quiet guy comes from?  Even with the closest of friends, more often than not, I find myself nodding along while they tell me about their day, pour out their troubles or smoothly speak of anything from Sports, Social Media, Politics or the latest Book that is a must read.

My wife and son are the exception to the rule.  I can speak with them about anything.  It is not a problem to spout on about what ever the topic.  It's because I know they will forgive me if I make an error.  Whatever I say, if I am wrong or even if I don't know what the heck I am talking about, they are fine with it.  No judging.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that most, if not all of my friends do not judge me in any way.  They're good peeps.  What happens is that I just start to retreat into my mind. Inside my head I am scrambling to figure out how to say something intelligent, witty or profound.  By the time I come up with something I am usually brushing my teeth before bed.

I have trouble remembering anything from my 20's and 30's now.  Was I always like this?  Have I always been standing on the sidelines?  If anyone out there has any insights I would be grateful if you would reach out and tell me ... what was I like around you?  In some cases I suspect people's opinion of me was that I was arrogant and stuck up.  My facial features screwed up while I was desperate to contribute to a conversation.  I have been in many situations where I just gave up and slowly backed away from the situation, retreating to a room where the television was on and conversation was kept to a minimum.

The good news is that change is possible.  Over the last few weeks, with the help and support of family and friends new and old, I have been pushing myself to get out there.  If I don't understand something I will admit it and move on.  I'll do my best to stay in the moment and to converse with the best of you.  So ... what do ya say?  Let's chat!