To be fair it was not the holiday I hated. No, it was myself that I hated. I wasted a great weekend. The things I could have accomplished. No! The things I SHOULD have accomplished. What a waste of a weekend. What a waste of a life.
At fifty five I should know better by now. How much longer can I go on avoiding what needs to be done? There are moments in my day where I feel so weak-minded and useless. Unable to help myself in the most basic of terms. I could write a laundry list of things I am avoiding. All of these tasks would help me be the person I dream of being. The top two on the list are my Job and my Health. If I could stop the avoidance on those two things alone my life would change drastically. Everything else would improve just by solving those puzzles. Yet, I put off the things I know I should do until the next hour, the next day, the next week and the next month. Avoiders rarely will put things off until the next year because that makes them look bad. Have I done that? Put things off a year? Sure I have. I don't seem to have a problem looking bad these days.
So, what is the secret of not avoiding? I HAVE NO IDEA! At least not at this very moment. For the last month or more I have been waiting for something to change. With the drugs I currently take or have stopped taking, I believed that I would gain more focus and insight into my own life. I thought that I would finally see the arrow that would point me in the right direction. As of this post there has been no magic arrow. There are many who would tell me that I am foolish for believing in such "magic". That I need to get up and just do what ever needs to be done to get where I need to be. I don't disagree. There is a small, whispering voice near the base of my skull that tells me that every day. But the heavy weight of uncertainty has been stronger. Like a heavy lead skull cap, it presses down and keeps my mind and my will mired in emotional and psychological quick sand.
It has taken me five days to write this post. Why? Because I was avoiding it. It's Sunday, the best day of the week for avoiding. It is also raining. The best weather for avoiding. And it is getting near to mid afternoon. Might as well call it a day and save the rest for tomorrow. Maybe ...
