The low days seem to be coming more often. Covid 19 is a very likely culprit. Even the strongest amongst us have felt down at some point or another. Those of us who have a diagnosis of Clinical Depression are feeling the affects of these strange days 100 times more intensely. We take on our own problems as well as the world's problems or at least "our" world's problems. That doesn't mean we solve these issues. We just take on the extra worry and stress of those around us.
When things get bad I turn turtle. But as much as I wish I could hide from my world's problems I can't help but dwell on the problems all around me. All of us who are parents will always worry about our children. And all of us who are children have often told our parent that they do not have to worry. The truth is that as parents we want to take on our children's problems. But most of the time we just can't. And we shouldn't. Our children, once they reach a certain age, are capable of dealing with their own problems and everything will work out. My depression does not allow me to accept that. I know deep down that my son can take care of himself. He's a great guy. He's smart and has a good heart. He's kind and would do anything to help his friends and family. I don't need to worry about him. Everything will work out. I just wish I could get that through to my depressed self.
What about when the child needs to help the parent. Our hope is that our Mom and/or Dad will be able to stay healthy and be able to take care of themselves for all their lives. That does not happen most of the time. Our bodies and minds get older and we find that we need help. So what happens when your parent needs your help but your depression paralyzes you? In the last 10 to 20 years I find it very difficult to cope with the illness of people I love. I hide. I feel powerless and shame. My Mom is at the point where she needs and wants someone with her 24/7. I have not helped out. My older sister and brother have taken on her care. The first few months they were there full time, splitting up the days and night's and later they added at home care professionals but still need to spend some days and nights with her. They are exhausted. Hopefully a more permanent solution is coming soon. I can't thank them enough for what they have sacrificed. I can only hope they can understand and forgive me for not being their for them. I can't see myself helping anyone else when, right now, I can't seem to help myself.
It's been two and a half years since my last blog post. It may be another two and a half years before the next one. Take care everyone.
Mike
