Fighting the Bad Fight

Many times depression takes the fight out of you.  Giving up seems like the greater option rather than stand toe to toe with someone and let 'er rip!  My experience with fighting is that for much of my early life I avoided it. It was upsetting and made me want to bury my head in the sand whether it was me fighting or I was on the outside looking in.

These days it is still rare for me to show anger or even heated passion with anyone other than my closest family members.  I'm not even talking about my parent or siblings I am talking about my wife and son.  I feel that it is the depression that makes me want to get my back up whenever I am confronted with criticism, deserved or not.  And the thing is, the arguments are really about nothing.  I use it as an opportunity to run away.  My arguments don't last long.  It's just enough to make sure that I am guaranteed some time where I could be by myself. 

It has taken me many years to recognise what I am doing and am now learning to try and step back before an argument gets started ( Trying but not always succeeding.) and to learn what my Hot Buttons are.  Also, these last few weeks, I have learned that an extended time of angry is doing no one any good, especially me.  As I stated above, most times these arguments are about nothing.  Many times it is because I have blown up for no reason.  I can see that now and try very hard to apologise.  Even if I was not in the wrong, I see value in getting past it sooner.  I feel lighter and better able to get on with a day that has many other challenges.

The message I want to give my wife is that while these arguments are a pain, I get passionate about who I have the fight with.   And she's the only one I want to fight with.  That is a good thing as far as I can see.

Good Days ... Bad Days

 

A clinically depressed person can go weeks, months, and in the extreme, years without experiencing a good day.  A day where you experience that amazing feeling of contentment and joy.  Where nothing bad happens and you are not reminded that you are in a hole.  I'm not talking about a visit to Disney or some other place of amusement.  On those days, any feelings of happiness are fleeting and artificial.  You can participate in events that are fun and to the outside world you seem fine.  But to the depressed person that darkness is still there.  Just resting for a moment until it has caught it's breath. 

For those who live with a person of depression those false good days are very deceiving.  You see a glimmer of hope.  You see that person you knew before.  Then, when suddenly they are walking around with that dark cloud above their heads, you can't understand what has happened.  "What the hell!!"  You were sure that this was it.  Your husband, wife, parent or friend was in the clear. They were back and and the life you imagined could take up where it left off.  You may be angry.  I don't blame you and more often than not the depressed person you know won't blame you either.  You do not deserve this.  You did not sign up for this.

There is hope.  I am proving it to myself and others everyday.  This blog has been a big part of the recovery process.  I am finally fighting back.  I am talking and reading and exploring what it is that has caused this depression to happen.  Over the last few months I have engaged other friends and professionals for help and I can honestly say that I feel better.  Am I now a non-depressed person?  No!  Not by a long shot.  I'm just saying I am having "real" good days.  I have been surprised to find myself laughing and smiling more and on occasion, that feeling of contentment.  It feels good.  So good that I want to do it again so I am going to continue to fight.  If you, the depressed person reading this, joins me in this fight I promise that it is possible to feel this way again.  I am not an expert in any way.  I believe that I will have this disease for the rest of my life but I know I can manage it so that it does not rule me and only appears on occasion.  If you know a person who is filled with depression or anxiety don't give up.  Help them fight.  Yeah, you will have those days where you are completely frustrated and just want to give up. Don't run away ... just go for a walk.  Go to the movies.  Do something that makes you feel good then come back, roll up your sleeves and dig in.  We'll thank you for it someday.