Fighting the Bad Fight

Many times depression takes the fight out of you.  Giving up seems like the greater option rather than stand toe to toe with someone and let 'er rip!  My experience with fighting is that for much of my early life I avoided it. It was upsetting and made me want to bury my head in the sand whether it was me fighting or I was on the outside looking in.

These days it is still rare for me to show anger or even heated passion with anyone other than my closest family members.  I'm not even talking about my parent or siblings I am talking about my wife and son.  I feel that it is the depression that makes me want to get my back up whenever I am confronted with criticism, deserved or not.  And the thing is, the arguments are really about nothing.  I use it as an opportunity to run away.  My arguments don't last long.  It's just enough to make sure that I am guaranteed some time where I could be by myself. 

It has taken me many years to recognise what I am doing and am now learning to try and step back before an argument gets started ( Trying but not always succeeding.) and to learn what my Hot Buttons are.  Also, these last few weeks, I have learned that an extended time of angry is doing no one any good, especially me.  As I stated above, most times these arguments are about nothing.  Many times it is because I have blown up for no reason.  I can see that now and try very hard to apologise.  Even if I was not in the wrong, I see value in getting past it sooner.  I feel lighter and better able to get on with a day that has many other challenges.

The message I want to give my wife is that while these arguments are a pain, I get passionate about who I have the fight with.   And she's the only one I want to fight with.  That is a good thing as far as I can see.