Driving in Cars with Boyd

Each weekday morning I have a conversation with myself as I take the half hour or so to drive to work.  It seems that this time is when my mind is especially clearest.  By then I will have shaken the cobwebs from my brain and the ideas finally begin to flow.   It takes breakfast and a hot shower to get my spirit moving these days.

There is something about being relatively awake and the promise of a new day ahead of you.  For me this was a harder space to get into six or seven months ago.  At that time I would often find myself in a very dark place.  It was all I could do to force myself to get dressed in the morning let alone get in the car and drive to work.   There were times when the anxiety and depression where so strong that I had to pull to the side of the road to gather strength.

These days I find that I have a more positive experience driving to work.  My mind will race from a painting I am currently working on to planning a workout after work to a story idea I want to pitch to my producer friend.  I promise myself that I will have a better day, eat right and stay “happy”.  I also wander into that fantasy area where I imagine myself working in the field of my choosing under my own terms.  I am able to do things with family and friends and tackle new hobbies like painting and photography.  It all makes for a decently, pleasant drive.

Then I get to the office.  By 11:00 am my stress level has risen to a point where I sometimes feel those 9am promises slipping away.  I have little “perk me up cards” on my desk that I flip through to bring me out of these funks.  Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.  The drive home is usually different.  Last fall and early winter the drive home was much darker than the drive to work.  It usually resulted in me sitting in the drive way shaking.  I just wanted to get into my pajamas and plop down in front of the TV or go to bed.  Not a good idea.  

These days, almost every weekday night, I have an activity or task to complete.  It keeps me busy and motivated and usually helps me go to bed with a better feeling of myself.  Each day I drive myself to and from work but what I am really doing is driving forward.

Your Downward Dog just bit me!

Part of any Depressed Person's recovery is to improve the physical as well as the mental.  When it comes to my own physical recovery, goodness knows that I am starting at the bottom of the ladder ... again.  Being overweight has plagued me for most of my adult life.  So I have started the fitness regime ... again. 

Recently a Personal Trainer friend of mine was kind enough to give me a fitness routine to follow.  When it came to the cool down and stretching she commented-- "Oh, you are very tight."  Now, for some that may be a complement but in my case it meant I had the flexibility of a steel bar.  Many other friends have suggested Yoga but I have resisted thinking that it was not for me.  I am so tired of not being able to bend properly to do simple tasks.  So when the opportunity came to take a class at work, during two lunch breaks a week, I decided to take the plunge.

My first thought was that I will most likely end up in a class room full of women.  I was delighted to see another, older gentleman sitting on his mat when I entered.  I was not happy to see that he could sit cross legged, back straight, with no sign of discomfort.  That is something I have not been able to do since I was .....  Crap!  I can't remember when I could do that.  The class was small and the leader was in her forties which I was grateful for.  The last thing I needed was some twenty year old getting me to lift my foot above my head.

As the class progressed I realised that I am much tighter than I thought.  I am not able to completely do any of the posses.  I spent a great deal of time pulling my track pants up and my t-shirt down.  I also found it very distracting that I could see down the instructor's top.  I have a short attention span sometimes and I don't need other issues coming into my head.  As the class progressed I started to loosed up alright but not where I wanted to.  I suddenly had to fart and it was not going to wait.  Ever hold a fart in?  It's not like holding a sneeze.  When that flatulence wants out it will find a way.  It was all I could do not to let it rip in the class but I can tell you this.  Who ever followed me back to the work area got a snoot full.

So I made it through my first two yoga classes.  I liked it.  I did feel better after.  I have a long way to go before I can lift my foot over my head but maybe soon I will be able to tie my shoe and bend over without looking like I'm ninety.

Namaste.