Black Friday

It seemed like a nice day.  The morning held lots of promise.  It was Friday and the first day summer.  It was bright, sunny and warm.  The drive to work seemed to fly by and I even got to work early enough to get a bit of a head start on the day.  Later that day my wife and I would be leaving for a wedding out of town.  There had been a lot of stress at work the past week or so due to the introduction of a new system that was leaving much to be desired. 

Let’s face it.  I make no secret that I am not happy in my current career position.  I do, however, try to do a good job and I get very frustrated when the line of communication between management and worker are not kept open and clear.  So many issues in work places could be resolved just by letting staff know what is happening.  If there are problems, when will they be fixed?  If the way you do your job is affected then here is what the company is going to do to make it work.  When those simple things don’t happen I begin to boil. 

I guess that may have had something to do with the beginning of my Black Friday along with the fact that I had just marked three years since the lay off and two year at my latest job.  I should be proud of the two years.  I have struggled and have made head way but I know that I don’t belong there.  No, I do not think that I am too good to work there.  Over all it is a good company and I work with great people.  I just don’t belong there.  So as that sunk in, my mood got darker and my productively got worse.  So at 3pm I left, hoping that a few hours at home would calm my nerves. 

Now, one of the worse things that you can do when you are in a black place is to go be by yourself for any long period of time.  Anyone who gets in these moods knows what I am talking of.  Sure, take 15 minutes or a half hour but after that do something positive for yourself.  Visit a friend.  Complete a chore.  Don’t do what I did.  I fell asleep.  By the time I woke I was anxious and felt sick.  But it was time to go to the wedding.  All I could think about was “Who wants to be around my dark cloud?”  But I did not want to disappoint my wife so I splashed some water on my face and off we went.

It was the best thing I could have done.  I was forced to be around people.  Happy, joyous people who were celebrating the love of two crazy, fun loving people.   Now, I did not go from black to bright in a snap of a finger but slowly, through the touching ceremony and then the gleeful  reception, I felt my mood lighten.  By 11 o’clock I was mentally drained.  I needed rest.  So I went back to the trailer we had stored on site and went to bed.  I read and listened to music for 20 minutes until my eye lids were drooping just right and by Saturday morning the Blackness was gone.

So that’s the lesson.  When the mood hits, take a moment to acknowledge it and then get up and do something positive.  It will make you feel better.  I promise.

The Gift of Parenthood

 

When you are a diagnosed depressive you have your good days and your bad ones. Sometimes the good days are great days or even fantastic days.

Today is Father's Day. It is always a special day for me and has rarely been anything but wonderful. For that past 18 years I have had the privilege to be a father to a spectacular boy. Yes, he has caused some grief in the past but whose kid hasn't. If, after 18 years, you can look back and say that 99% of the time you both got it right I think that is more than can expected.

For me, being a father and a parent was one of the hardest, scariest and most wonderful experiences of my life. I know that I am not finished. I plan on being around for many, many years and that I will never stop being a father.

Today, after my son woke up, he presented me with a gift and a homemade card. Here is what the card said:

Dear Dad,

Things have been amazing over the past 18 and a half years no matter what bad things have happened. I am so lucky to have a Dad like you who is so loving, strong, and confident in everything you do! I really hope that today is an awesome day for you and that things just get easier.

Love Harrison.

Was today a good day. Not even close. Today was an unimaginably great day!

Happy Father's Day to all.

 

How Lazy am I?

As a child I do not remember getting that many chores when I was young.  Being the fourth child of a very busy Mother and Father, I was often left to my own devices.  Sure, I’d shovel the sidewalk of snow at our Henry Street address.  That was about 15 - 20 feet of sidewalk which did not offer much of a challenge or work out.  By the time we moved to Young Street in my final year of High School I mowed the postage stamp sized lawn.  That took about 20 minutes.  But I was never asked to do anything “hard” or “back breaking”.  So I watched TV and read.

My love affair with the tube and books certainly led me to my career choice in Television Broadcasting and I am grateful for that.  In the early days at the community channel I remember joyfully putting in extra hours, sometimes not having a day off for three weeks.  For a time, in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I even had another part time job with the CBC as a cameraman and editor.  It was not unusual for me to work up to 16 hours some days. 

At some point I think I just got tired.  I know that I burned myself out and started to dislike my job.  I see now that this was more than likely a depressive episode.  I would get myself assigned to another task and after a month or two I got the creative itch again.  As my career progressed with the community channel it was harder and harder to move back into a position where I could be a creative producer.  My last promotion was likely one of the biggest mistakes I ever made career wise.  Becoming a manager was not the direction I should have gone.  At the time I wanted to become part of the decision making team and work towards a better channel.  I thought management was the best way to do that.  I was wrong.

What has all this got to do with being lazy?   As my depression came to the surface my desire to participate sank.  Sleeping, watching TV and reading became my crutches.  That’s a very hard thing for me to admit.  Now, don’t you think for one moment that I think that reading and watching TV are bad.  These are past times that I enjoy immensely.  It’s just that you can have too much of a good thing.  There is much more to life than what can be read in a book or shown on a screen.  Staying active and getting involved with a community group have helped me greatly.

As I look towards getting back on track with my chosen career in Television I do have fears that I will fail.  This is natural.  I don’t believe that I am lazy.  My past tells me that I am not.  I do always look for better, more efficient ways of doing things.  That helps everyone.   Is that lazy?  I don't think so.  I do know this.  The creativity is back and someone out there is going to benefit from it big time!

Stay tuned.