Letter to my brother and sister

I have been thinking about this the last few months.  I have been wanting to thank my brother Greg and sister Susan for how they have stepped up when it came to the care of our parents.  My sister is a health care practitioner and my brother is a retired teacher/minister.  It is in their DNA to help people.

We all get older and there is nothing we can do to stop that.  I am grateful for the help both my siblings have been able to give to Mom and Dad over the years.  Shortly after my father retired we learned that he had Parkinson's.  My sister Sue, living and working in the area, was immediately there with suggestions and offering any help that was needed.  My brother Greg took early retirement a few years later when Dad's Parkinson's took a turn and it was apparent that my Mom would need more help around the house.  They were both around to be of help and, when the time came, to transition my Dad into the Veteran's wing of the local hospital.  The family that lived in the city got down to the south shore for visits but it was Mom, Greg and Sue who were there each and everyday to be with Dad before the end.

Now, as my Mom ages, there are issues that crop up every once in awhile.  Besides checking in with her almost daily, and making sure she gets out of the house for appointments, groceries or just visits, my brother and sister and on call twenty-four seven for any health emergencies.  Gratefully there has been nothing too serious.  Still, I am relieved that my Mom has them both so close by. I hope that if I were living in the area, that I too would be "on call" and would be ready to jump into action.  A feeling I am sure my other sister and the rest of the family share.

But right now it is Greg and Susan who are stepping in and I just wanted to make sure they knew how much I appreciated it.  It's hard to imagine being sick and having no one there to help.  I know my Mom is grateful for all their help.

I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,

your little brother

Exile

The last time I posted on this site was Jan 1, 2016.  The last time I posted anything on the web was on my "web-sight" forum back in May of this year.  Here's a link just in case you want to wander back and take a look at my "experiment". http://mboyd59.wixsite.com/web-sight

What have I been up to you might ask? (Pause)  Go ahead ... ask!!  (Pause)  Thanks for asking.  You're so kind.  (Blush)  Okay.  What have I been doing with myself since we last chatted on the world wide web.  NOTHING!!  Not a damn thing!  We'll that is not completely true.  Since May I attended the PEI Screenwriter's Boot Camp where I developed and refined my pitch for a TV series based on this blog.  http://www.peiscreenwritersbootcamp.net/home
By the way.  Thanks to the wonderful organizer Louise Lalonde, my team's workshop guru Hanna Cheesman AND my good friend and producer, Donna Davies.  Without Donna's encouragement I would not have gone to the event and realized that I still had something to say.  It was also the beginning of my very slow emergence from a self imposed exile.  After that was the summer, which meant a week in PEI with some of my favorite campers/friends and in September, the trip of a life time for my wife and I.  We went to Europe on an 11 day cruise through Italy, Greece and eastern Europe.  Fantastic!

So, why was I in exile you ask?  Again ... thanks for your concern.  It really means a lot to me.  But let me answer.  Basically I was stuck.  The fog and heaviness of depression, anxiety and ADHD took a large toll on me over the last year.  I was not only stuck creatively, I was also frozen in a job I knew did nothing to nurture my creativity.  So I left.  September 2, 2016 was my last day at the call center and I do not regret it one bit. I had committed six years to trying to make myself fit into that world and try as I might it just did not happen.  I needed to push myself away from that atmosphere and get my creative soul back.

Now, it has not been like riding a bike.  Over the last few weeks I have fallen a number of times and some of the scabs are still healing but I am getting right back on and will continue to get back on until I find what I am looking for.  As always I must thank and be forever grateful to my wife and partner.  She has endured so much and while a bike for two is tough to ride we continue to work towards mastering it.

So, not exiled anymore.  Good.  Being out of work.  Not great but better than being where I don't belong.  Trying to find myself again ... always a good thing.  And hey... if you know a good place where I might fit in let me know.  I'm ready to go. 

New Years Revelation Jan. 1, 2016

I lay in bed awake…again.  My wife’s projection clock is shining brightly onto the ceiling above my head.  1:03am.  A little over an hour into another new year and I lay there waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in.  Actually I am praying that they would kick in.  I had already prayed that the new year would bring honest, positive change to my family’s life.  More than anything I need change to happen in my own, very complicated, very sad life.  Poor me.

For some time this time of year is hard for me.  For the last few years, the holidays have been tough.  Of course I am not alone in this.  I have plenty of company.  Those of us that find this time difficult look at those who cheerfully celebrate with envy. Who wouldn’t.  They make their plans for family and friend celebrations.  It an exciting time.  I remember when I loved Christmas.  At least I think I can remember. 

Over the last week I have had, what I can best describe as, two panic attacks. Both times the "attacks" came on the “eve’s”.  The Christmas Eve’s attack was the worse of the two.  Cold sweats, hot flashes, dizzy, confusion, hands shaking uncontrollably and heart racing.  Basically me standing in church wondering if I was going to pass out.  New Year's Eve was the same but to a lesser degree.  And what brought these two events into my life?  My best guess is an overwhelming feeling of stagnancy.  A feeling of being trapped in a situation that I have no control over.  Simply put ... I hate my job.

 

At some point in everyone’s working life they feel trapped or burned out.  The work is no longer fulfilling, if it ever was.  There is no challenge, if there ever was. And management doesn’t understand or really care about what you are going through.  With my current situation, I work for a company were business comes first.  I understand that. but at the same time I fight against the grain.  Everyday I try to give the company what it is asking for but I also believe the client, the customer's needs come first.  The customer is always right.  Consequently the pressures to perform the way my team manager and the company wants me to perform are at total odds with how I feel the client wants me to perform 99 percent of the time.  That results in a feeling of despair for 70 - 90 percent of my work day.  It has to stop. 

And when it stops what then.  I can't just stop working.  My family is not ready to see me move into the retirement mode.  I have to continue to contribute and I want to contribute.  The next phase of my working life has to be out there.  I have looked, unsuccessfully, for a job in my field of Television.  There is nothing. (Thanks NS Government.)  I know that I can't work in a call center.  I am not going to have my day micromanaged to the point where you have to take scheduled bathroom breaks.  I would like to find an employment councilor who does more than just tell you to take this test.  I don't need a list of careers that I might be qualified for.  I've done that and it was a useless exercise for someone my age.  One of the jobs was surgeon.  Unless it was playing a surgeon on tv this was not going to happen. I don't know if any such person exists.  So far I have had no luck finding them.

If you are reading this and you have any ideas that don't involve 8 years of med school or going back to a call center, please reach out. I am creative, organized and have a passion for helping people.  I have something to contribute and I am ready.