Waiting for ...

"What are you waiting for?!?"  That voice is in my head most of each day.  The answer is almost always the same.  "I DON'T KNOW!"  The question that really needs to be asked is, "Why are you waiting?"  I think many people who suffer from depression and other mental health issues are waiting for clarity of mind.  For me, when I can think clearly and can see the steps I need to take to get the "job" done, I am unstoppable.  But when my mind is muddled and confused, it feels like I have stepped in quicksand but don't know it.  I slowly sink down, until suddenly, I begin to choke on the sand.

Last fall, when I made the decision to start my own business, knowing that I would have a lot of challenges ahead, I was excited and scared shitless all at the same time.  There is a lot about running a business I did not, and still do not understand.  It’s frightening to feel in over your head when you have so many people encouraging you and you have a family who want you to succeed.  I try to look at my success.  I need to be proud of what I have done so far.  Having 65 podcasts join a new directory in just under three months is amazing.  And I get so much great feedback from people.  But in business you can’t survive on one accomplishment.  Especially one that does not bring in any revenue.  

So, what is stopping me from making the next decision that will move my business forward?  A few weeks ago, some judges at a pitch competition I was in, told me that my idea was much bigger than I could imagine.  That really scared me.  I’m alone here, and the last thing I want is to have Podcast Atlantic grow too large and then collapse because I could not handle the pressures of a business too big for its sole founder.

So what next?  I must push forward.  I need to get help improving the website and proper social media/metrics direction.  Sponsors for the site need to come onboard and I need that first podcast produced by Podcast Atlantic.  There is outside pressure from the organizations that support me.  They expect results faster than I fear I can give.  One thing I do know.  Depressed or not, this can’t wait anymore.

Sleep … why does it hate me?

Recently my Doctor told me that she was not going to renew my prescription for sleeping aids. She told me that the medical profession is concerned about today’s reliance on drugs to help us sleep.  What the hell do I do now?  When I was a young child I would obsess about sleep.  For as long as I can remember my mind has always been hard to quiet.  Many a night I would toss and turn while simultaneously checking the glow of the digital clock on my bedside table.

As I grew I found some tricks that helped me fall asleep at a reasonable time.  By the time I was in my early teens I would turn the radio on and let the music of the seventies lull me to sleep.  This seemed to work for several years but sleeplessness would return to my life with a vengeance.

                                                               

Sometime, in my late forties, sleepless nights returned.  I was still young enough that it didn’t bother me that much.  I would use the inability to sleep to my advantage.  I would get up, turn on the computer and start writing.  But over time, going without sleep robbed me of my ability to think clearly when I wanted to write or converse with family and friends.  

                                                               

When you start a google search with the words “Why can’t”, google finishes it for you with “I sleep?”.  That didn’t surprise me in the least.  Studies show that 40% of Canadians have problems sleeping.  It’s a problem that doesn’t seem to be going away.  Today’s technology is pointed out as one of the likely culprit.  It seems that our phones, tablets and televisions are keeping us up at night.  I guess I can see this.  I try to shut down the electronics an hour before bed.  I get comfortable in my warm bed, turn on some music and read for 30 to 45 minutes. Other things you should try are, keeping a very dark room.  Keep your room cool.  Don’t eat three hours before you want to fall asleep.  Don’t workout in the evening.  Spray lilac on your pillow.  There are dozens and dozens of sleep aid solutions.  It’s enough to keep you awake at night.  

                                                               

For many, this problem is not going away.  What is your experience?  Do you have any tried and true solutions?  Share if you can.  In the meantime, get plenty of rest.

Imposter Syndrome

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
This is the definition of what I am going through at this moment in time.

 

 

What keeps us from believing in ourselves?  I have recently read that celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Tina Fey and Ryan Reynolds have talked about their own shortcomings and difficulties believing that they are as talented as other people tell them they are.  That is mind boggling.  I admire and enjoy the work that these people do.  How can they not know how great they are?!?  How can none of us know how great we are? 

I get complements all the time.  I am told that I am a good artist, writer and person more times than I am told I suck.  But, for some reason, I don’t believe it. That part of my brain that should be happy about receiving these complements shoves those accolades aside and whispers negatives in my ear instead.  Why does this happen?  Over 60% of us experience this “syndrome” at some point in their career.  So that should make anyone afflicted feel better.  We are not alone.  It happens to most of us. 





 

So what do we have to do to get past this ill-conceived belief that we are failures?  Here’s the truth.  You are never going to be anyone but yourself.  You are who you are and the people who know you or the people you meet will likely be honest with you when it comes to your skills and accomplishments.  Most of us subscribe to the old adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”  That means, if someone tells you that you are doing a nice job then you probably are.  Does that mean you have to be good at everything that comes at you?  No.  And it is not a bad thing to ask for help.  I ask for help all the time.  (For those that have helped me in the past or future I want to take this moment to thank you so much.  You are appreciated and are the “bomb”.)

 

 

So take the word from the biggest imposter I know.  “You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You”  S. Smalley  Believe in yourself.  I believe in you.