Forgive and Forget? Yeah right!!!






So ... it's almost a week since my first post. I am touched by how many of you have responded in some fashion or another. Thanks so much. When I look back at what has brought me to this dark place I see so many triggers. I expect I will explore all of them within this blog at some point but today I wanted to say goodbye to a demon that has been plaguing me for quite sometime.

On June 15, 2010 I was asked by my Supervisor to come downstairs to an empty room in the building where I worked. It was then that I found out that my life was going to change drastically. My boss looked at me in the eye and with some emotion told me that there was going be some down sizing and that my job was seen as redundant. I was also told that it was only "business". Now all of this is likely true for the most part. For sometime I had grown restless and bored with my position and while a lay off was not what I was looking for I took it fairly well during that fateful meeting that warm June day. I choked back any emotions I had, smiled and shook hands with my Boss and the HR person who was there to help me in my transition. I walked out the door with my head held high.

Over the next few hours and days I beat myself up, convincing myself that I had done this to myself. I looked back on my twenty-seven year career listed the reasons that I was let go.

1. I was stubborn and argumentative with superiors when I felt that they were wrong.
2. I did not make friends easily. I still count only a half dozen or so people there that I would consider friends.
3. I did not care for the technical aspect of the position I was in and resisted training in favor of a more creative or managed organizational approach.
4. I kept to myself.

In other words ... I had screwed up big time. At that time I was not angry with them. It was my blame to bare. Over the next week or so, as I met with my supervisor and HR staff I smiled and nodded. I joked as I cleaned out my office that I was getting ready to retire the next summer anyway so this was okay. I gave advice about outstanding projects and inquired about bringing projects to them as an outside contractor. Everyone smiled back, shook my hand and then closed the door after me.

The summer passed quickly. I spent it vacationing with friends and volunteering at the local Film Festival. I took training on Job finding and waited to have the magic job genie grant my wish of the perfect job. By October I was in panic mode. I started to apply for jobs that I never imagined I would do. I spent my time daydreaming about working at my old job or finding a better suited position there. Soon those daydreams seeped into my unconscious and I dreamt at night about different scenarios where I would triumphantly return and be welcomed with open arms. It was hard to admit but I was angry. But I didn't want to them to know that I was angry. The last thing I wanted is to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they had won. The thing is that they likely don't give me much of a second thought. Maybe I come up in conversation sometimes... "Remember when Mike did that thing."

So it's time to say goodbye to this particular demon. What is past is past. I want to grow not shrivel with hatred. No one deserves that. They're not evil. They have issues and problems of their own. When I look at the list above now and think back to my contributions to that organization I can dismiss most of what is written above. I am proud of what I did there and happy to have been there. Yes ... I could have done better and so could have they. We all can do better. That's what I am trying to do now.

My next post I want to tell you what it's like for me now professionally. Stay tuned.